How to deal with grief during the holiday season

Tis the holiday season, and with it can come a lot of cheer and festivities. Yet, many people may feel the need to avoid the holidays because they can be a stark reminder of a previous loss.

Grief strikes people in many ways and can be more palpable than ever during this season.

Whether you’ve experienced a recent or past loss, the holidays can stir a mix of emotions that can sometimes feel unbearable. Grief can suddenly emerge not only with death, but illness, dementia, divorce, empty nesting, relocating, loss of home, natural disasters, or other crises.

The most common forms of grief can be categorized into five types:

• Anticipated grief or experiencing emotional loss that occurs while awaiting an inevitable loss, such as with a terminal illness.
• Inhibitory grief or the suppression of emotions surrounding a loss. It’s important to note that not allowing oneself to go through those emotions will prevent one from getting through them.
• Absent grief or not acknowledging the trauma that happened. Can also be interpreted as being in denial. This can manifest in having unrealistic expectations that something irreparable can be fixed or even not admitting the tragedy occurred at all.
• Delayed grief is experiencing emotions weeks or even months after the loss or trauma occurs. Often when in “crisis mode,” we run on autopilot and only when we allow ourselves to slow down and take a breath, can we then feel the weight of what occurred. People may have dissociation from the world around them during this stage of grief and might even describe their feelings as if they are in a dream-like state.
• Disenfranchised grief is categorizing other people’s reaction toward the person experiencing the loss or when people don’t acknowledge or belittle someone’s experience. This can severely thwart a grieving person’s progress and further isolate them from others. It is imperative that even if we do not understand what someone is going through, we don’t dismiss their feelings. When people feel sad or depressed they feel alone and this can be a slippery slope nudging them to more damaging thoughts or worse, dangerous actions. When you don’t know what to say offer them a smile or a hug. Even a simple, delicious casserole could go a long way!

Grief can resurface long after you believe you’ve processed your feelings, too. You might glance at a photo several years later and find that sadness washes over you, even though you thought you were “done” mourning.

If you find yourself experiencing any of these emotions, there are a few exercises to help the mind filter and cope with what it is trying to process:

• Write down what your life was like before the tragedy, and then write down your present circumstances; as hard as it is to read and write, it will help the brain process this new information as truth
• Seek a certified and trustworthy counselor you feel comfortable with
• Join or attend a strong faith-based church
• Lean on appropriate friends and family
• When you feel strong enough, try to remember and write down happy thoughts of the person who may have passed
• Try to create new memories and traditions that will stay with you for years
• Seek ways to honor your lost loved ones
• Use your grief to help others get through what they think they cannot
• The most important thing is to reach out; DO NOT shut yourself out from the world
• DO NOT seek comfort through alcohol, drugs or other unhealthy behaviors
• If you have “too much new time” on your hands, try to develop new, healthy hobbies that bring you joy, confidence, peace, community or at minimum, a healthy distraction when you feel overwhelmed with sadness
• Expect to feel sad! At unexpected times, grief can creep back up. Plan to have a phone list of people you can call for support, or safe places to go (I call my bathtub and shower room “my sanctuary” because this is where I retreat from the world to cry, pray, think, not think, etc.)

Adjusting to your new reality takes time, but there is NO SPECIFIC timeline. What works for one person may not work for the next but seeking wisdom from those who have gone before you can bring comfort through the journey.

Try to branch out and meet new friends. Finding a new circle may seem daunting, but it is helpful to seek a community not only in something you already love, but from people who have or are experiencing similar trials in life. During trying times it’s amazing “who shows up, who’s for real, and who walks away,” as Shinedown sang. By creating space for opportunity, new loved ones can enter the picture and bring much comfort.

Remember that grieving leads to healing. Even though it feels as if the world is upside down and out of control, try to take small steps and achieve small goals so that you can gain back confidence in yourself and learn to trust that even your most painful emotions are an integral part of your life that can lead you to the other side of whatever mountain lies before you. Don’t set yourself up for failure by biting off more than you can chew, I.e., this may not be the year to head an organization or take on a new role at work. Recognize what your personal triggers are and learn ways to work through the dark times. Joy comes in the morning, and through mourning too. I pray for peace and love for ALL this holiday season.

Please do not hesitate to reach out to Access Urgent Care if you or someone you know needs help. You can also contact us for help finding community and anonymous resources for grieving during this holiday season.

Sources:

How to Deal With Grief During the Holidays | Psychology Today

Coping with grief and loss during the holidays - Harvard Health

7 Tips for Managing Grief Over the Holidays During COVID-19 (healthline.com)

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